A Child's First Love

By Veronica Monet, ACS, CAM (Copyright 2010)

Do you remember your first pet? How old were you?

I was three or four years old when my favorite aunt invited me to peer into a box of squirming kittens. They were brand-new, gray tabbies whose eyes were still shut tight. Their plaintive meows filled the air with a sense of sadness for me. How I longed to make them feel safe and loved. When my aunt told me I could take one of these little fur balls home, my heart leaped for joy. My very next thought was "Oh, no, will my mom and dad let me keep the kitten?" I turned my pleading eyes in the direction of my parents while my aunt went to work on them with assurances that it would be good for me to have a kitten. I did get to take the kitten home once it was old enough and now these many years later, I am still struck with the intensity of that first emotional connection with a nonhuman life form.

Animals play an important role in my adult life too. My current animal companion is a 50-pound rescue named Amelie. She is part terrier and part boxer and 100 percent love. Her previous owners were unkind to her and she came to my home fearful and desperate to please. It took some time to rebuild her confidence. In the beginning she didn't even know how to play with humans. If I tossed a ball in her direction she would not attempt to catch it. Instead she would cower and duck, convinced that I was trying to hit her with the ball. Today she is full of attitude and loves a rough game of tug of war.

In my professional life I teach anger management and communication skills to adults. When a client begins to retell that first pivotal relationship with an animal in childhood, his or her entire demeanor is transformed. Otherwise emotionally reserved people will suddenly become less self-conscious and more animated as they retell the delight with which their particular furry friend filled their life. If the story is a sad one, I can count on tearful sobbing that you might think would be reserved for the death of a parent or child. But with little exception, the deepest grief I have witnessed is reserved for that very first important relationship in the life of most children—that of their relationship with a pet.

A great deal of research supports the importance of animal companions to the lives of humans. Many studies confirm a predictive link between early childhood abuse of animals and violence toward humans in adult life. Programs that rehabilitate prison inmates by pairing them with horses or dogs who require rehabilitation too have proven the power of the animal/human bond to reduce recidivism rates. Therapy dogs and cats regularly visit the elderly and infirm, spreading their unconditional love and creating measurable improvements in human health and recovery rates.

Pets are an economic priority in the United States as well, a multibillion dollar industry that eclipses the sales of toys. More than a few immigrants to this country have marveled that supplies for dogs and cats warrant entire aisles in supermarkets, not to mention huge stores such as Petco and PetSmart, which are devoted to pets and pet needs entirely.

And yet, I believe we as a society are lacking a level of awareness pertaining to our pets. I don't think we understand just how crucial our early animal connections are to shaping our adult lives and human relationships. Therapy routinely focuses on our families. We are asked about our relationships with our mother, father, siblings, and human playmates. But most intake forms don't have a section about pets. Most therapists do not ask their patients about their relationships with animals—whether in childhood or adulthood. Unfortunately, we are still stuck in a culture that relegates animal connections to the periphery of human psychology.

Deep ecologist John Seed argues that our current culture robs us of the emotional and visceral experience of the interconnectedness most of us shared with animals as small children. In fact the majority of us have been trained and shamed away from putting much importance on our connections to animals. While Americans love their pets, they still exhibit an awkwardness around expressing that love. Our laws classify pets as property and our conventions of speech relegate sentient beings to inanimate objects with pronouns such as "it."

Human chauvinism, known as anthropocentrism, asserts human supremacy over all other life forms. It lives in the sacred text of many religions that believe "man" is the "pinnacle of creation." And it exists in scientific discourse that insists Homo sapiens are superior to all other evolved life forms. No matter the political or spiritual orientation, people tend toward this self-serving worldview.

But does it really serve us? Do minimizing and denying the heart connections, empathy, shared joys, and love most of us felt for our pets when we were small children help us to live better lives?

From the vantage point of my office, I would reply with a resounding "No." My clients don't come to me to talk about their childhood pets. They are there to work on repressed or acted-out anger as well as sexual dissatisfaction of one sort or another. But in the process of uncovering those emotions and life events that often produce dysfunctional patterns and frustrated goals, a violation of innocence and a crushing of spirit very often reveal themselves. While this may take the form of sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and/or protracted illness, I have been astounded at the level of grief reserved for that first love—the love of a pet.

Humans have a long history of living in harmony with other life forms, just as we have a long history of abusing anyone we designate as "other," be that another gender, another race, or another species. If we are ever to tip the balance in favor of a more loving and positive culture, we must begin an open dialog about our true feelings surrounding our animal relationships. If we continue to silence the voice of our inner child and don the mask of adulthood, which demands an almost robotic response toward our tender memories, then we continue to perpetuate a culture that is both mechanical and cruel.

I believe reconnecting to that first love—that first reciprocal relationship formed on trust and shared joy with another life form—is vital to our mental and emotional well-being and to the capacity of the human species to survive and thrive. It could be that it even contains the solutions to violence for which we have long been searching.

You can contact Veronica at

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or visit www.sexwithoutshame.com

Falling In and Out of Love

By Veronica Monet

You recognize the signs. You have seen this movie before. When you first met it was wonderful. Everything your romantic partner said and did was amazing or at least charming. You laughed at his or her foibles. It was easier to forgive then. But now there is a cold wind blowing and it isn’t outside—it is in your home!

You find yourself dreading walking in that door. Sometimes it seems as if you could cut the tension with a knife. The silence between the two of you has taken on epic proportions. You do your thing and your partner does his or her thing. Although you both live in the same house, it no longer reminds you of Home Sweet Home. And late at night when your partner is lying next to you fast asleep, you wonder what happened.

If you aren’t careful the tears start down your cheeks. But mostly you find ways to distract yourself and pretend you feel the same hope and excitement that you did when you first embarked on this relationship.

Is it time for you to leave? Should you live alone for awhile? Or could couple’s counseling be the solution? What about a new sex toy or an erotic movie? There must be something that could revive your romance and make you both feel fully alive again. But what?

We all find our own answers to these questions but when I found myself experiencing these sad and frustrating emotions in my marriage, I discovered that every time we worked on our communication skills, our sex life got better. That became my incentive to do the homework. After all, I really enjoyed having hot sex with my husband.

But the change that ended up making the biggest difference in both of our lives was that we finally stopped having the same fights over and over and over again! What a relief that was. I can’t tell you how many times we would reenact the same arguments word for word. It was like a collection of broken records. We were so well rehearsed it really didn’t matter who was saying what anymore; we seemed addicted to conflict.

Once we both agreed to give up our old ways and learn some new ways of relating to each other, everything improved. It became so much easier to get through mundane tasks such as paying the bills or planning a vacation. But what meant the most to me was that things I had waited all my life to say to someone who would actually hear me and feel my pain were now finding a friendly ear with my husband. As he learned how to really listen to me—not just say “uh huh” but actually look deep into my eyes and “get it”—it was as if someone had let me out of a prison I had been locked up in all my life.

Falling in love all over again was easy at that point. My husband became the father I never had, my knight in shining armor, and my very best friend. It was so simple too. After we both learned to speak and listen to each other in a new way, it became apparent that we had wasted a lot of time casting each other as the enemy. The fact was that we always did love each other but the excruciating pain of being misunderstood and falsely accused had become unbearable. It might be hilarious if it weren’t so tragic.

In retrospect, I am still saddened at the time that was lost to fear and defensiveness and the need to “win.” But I understand we didn’t know how to talk to each other any differently. After all, our parents had engaged in the same arguments before we were ever born. We were simply carrying on the tradition of bickering, name-calling, and character assassination.

Although we are no longer married, my ex-husband is still my very best friend. And after 25 years of knowing him I can honestly say that I love him more today than I ever did. Our love and our friendship continue to grow deeper with each passing year. What a gift.

Love is an open-ended miracle and if you give it the right fuel it can take you places you never dared to dream of.

Veronica Monet, ACS, is a certified sexologist and a relationship coach specializing in active listening, problem-solving, anger management, and healthy assertion skills. Find her ad in this issue, visit her website at www.sexwithoutshame.com, or call her toll free at 888-903-0050.

Healing the Splits That Hold Us Back

By Barbara Brennan in Lotus Guide

Apr/May/Jun issue

Why is it that a so many of the things we long for rarely come to fruition? Why is it that relationships that promise so much in the beginning just don't seem to work out? Or why is it that projects that are begun with great enthusiasm often don't get completed?

It would be easy to lay the blame on others, bad luck, or simply fate. Many of us might even accept partial responsibility but without any awareness of what is really going on.

The truth is that while many of us may believe we are genuine in our desire for a better life, prosperity, love and partnership, to be truly creative, or whatever it is we long for, we tend to sabotage our ambitions with the subconscious fears we have held since early childhood.

If we have an underlying belief that, say, "I am not good enough" or "I will never get my needs met," it is unlikely we will ever achieve what we are seeking. The power of these beliefs should never be underestimated. Yet many people don't even realize they have them.

What they might feel instead is a sense of holding back, of discomfort, a reluctance to commit themselves-to a change of life or a relationship or anything-even when they know it is what they really want. They might turn down a potentially valuable opportunity because it's "too risky" or "doesn't feel right" at the time.

Of course, genuine intuition may play a part in such a decision, but it's often because of an irrational fear reaction by the ego to stay safe. That's the ego's job-to protect us from further pain. And it does it diligently, to the extent that it stifles our personal growth, our desire to change our lives, to let go of old habits, and to flourish in new and different ways.

The ego hates change because change undermines its control. So even if we seek out fruitful possibilities to improve our lives in any of a multitude of ways, the old belief systems invariably prevent us from really following through. This is what we call negative intention.

We struggle between our longing and our fear, our connection to others-to life itself-and our need to stay separate. And while we hold onto that negative intention, we have little chance of fulfilling our dreams.

So what are these fears, these belief systems, that stem from early childhood? Basically, people can be divided into five major characterologies, dependent upon their experiences as infants and how they were wounded. These wounds are rarely intentionally inflicted; they are simply perceptions made at that very early age by children who have no understanding of anything but their own needs.

If, for example, a baby's cries for attention are not immediately met, it may suffer a terrible sense of abandonment. That terror will be wired into its young mind and body-and become part of its consciousness that never grows up. This undeveloped consciousness is what people often mean when they talk about their inner child. But it is not really an inner child; it is the remnants of the consciousness of the child you were that have not grown up. It is your child consciousness that still believes and acts like a child. So, unless the belief is addressed, the individual is likely to have issues around abandonment for the rest of his or her life.

The other major fears are fear of annihilation, fear of invasion and being lost within another, fear of betrayal, and fear of inauthenticity. All of these have their origins in the erroneous belief that we must maintain separateness to maintain our individuality. And of course, we are not restricted to one particular fear. Depending on our wounding, we may even have elements of them all within our psyches.

Half the battle in combating negative intention is to be aware of it. When we make our choices out of fear, pride, or self-will, we choose to stay separate, isolated, and alone. When we can see what is going on, when we can identify the origins of our decisions and see their falsity, this can be a huge turning point in our lives.

It isn't even necessary to wipe out negative intention. Positive intention is the ability to make a choice from the unitive state even if there is a strong impulse to do otherwise. It comes about when our choices are motivated by love, truth, integrity, courage, harmony, and joy. It is the intention to be unified within our whole being and to hold that unitive state in our interaction with others.

Positive intention is all about aligning with our purpose. To do this, you will need to examine the foundations of your integrity, seeing the parts of you that do not yet live in wholeness. Where do you betray yourself? Where do you dishonor yourself and act with split intention? As Heyoan said:

What is your truth? Find your edge,

that very fine point between being in wholeness or being split.

Stop, rest at that point, that one point of decision

in which you choose the state of your purpose, of your intention.

There is the one point where it splits.

It is the point of the now where you actually

live your entire life.

The more you can hold your conscious awareness

at this point, the clearer you will become.

Just Why Does Like Attract Like?

By Barbara Brennan

July 2007

The old question of why women often leave one abusive relationship and step straight into another continues to puzzle many of those involved in their protection.

While courts, police, and the medical profession generally understand the considerable influence of social environment and financial dependency, these women are frequently judged as being stupid.

They might be to some degree, but the authorities may fail to appreciate the strength of the natural law of “like attracts like” that functions in the physical world as well as in the energy-consciousness world of the human energy field (HEF).

Of course, this law also applies in many wonderful ways, dependent as it is on one’s intentions and beliefs. But since we all have belief systems and self-images built on childhood wounds, the negative aspects are more visible and can be magnified intensely by the severity of those early experiences.

Therefore, people who believe that abuse—or simply treating each other badly—is a part of life are likely to be drawn together. And since belief in abuse is dualistic, another law comes into play: The attraction of opposites. These opposites try to come back together as one. They seek oneness in the same way that many of us do.

So two partners familiar with abuse will each choose a role—the victim or the victimizer—according to how he or she experienced abuse as a child. One might have been physically abused and has therefore learned to take abuse from another, while the other may have had verbal abuse as a child and accepts it as the norm.

Any belief in abuse will contain fears as well as demands. The deeper issue fueling the abuse is usually about a real, normal human need that the individual did not have fulfilled as a child and therefore has not yet learned how to meet it. This is where the solution lies.

Most likely he or she does not even believe that it is OK to have that need fulfilled. In such cases, the partners will switch roles in different areas in their relationship, but each still acts out his or her type of abuse, not the other’s. These people do not understand what is happening to them. Neither of them can get their needs met in the areas of life their arguments are about.

No demand can ever be fulfilled because of its dualistic nature. Fulfillment can come only by bringing out the other half of the demand from the interior of the person who is demanding, not from someone else. No matter what the other person gives, it will not be what is needed.

The attraction of opposites comes from the longing to be whole. This is different from like attracts like, which stems from the longing to connect and build community with those of similar interests.

So, how can you tell if one is trying to become whole or trying to build a community? Well, we do both at the same time. Whoever you have trouble with in your community will be someone who represents the other half of your split. You are strangely attracted to someone you dislike! (Opposites attract).

On the other hand, your best friends will have similar interests and you will find it easy to build community with them. You will have fun with each other. (Like attracts like).

Both are vital parts of the growth process of community and ourselves. Whomever we have trouble with is like someone who mistreated us when we were young and we need to learn how to handle it with a different response. Whatever we try to get from someone else is inside.

What better place to learn than among like-minded people, who are different and can show us what is inside us that will help us grow into our fullness. We all need both life experiences!