Following the Path of Polyamory

By Adrienne Parker

Many of us might feel fine about acting on our own attractions but don't want to deal with the insecurities and jealousies that would arise if our partners were to act on their attractions. Many, if not most, couples have an unspoken rule about not even telling one another about their attractions. Serial monogamy works best in this climate - and that's why many people end up cheating and then moving on. The problem is that "new relationship energy" wanes and then we are faced with the same problem all over again.

Some people actually walk the path of polyamory for self-growth reasons - to face their fear of abandonment and all the other issues it can bring up. It's not an easy path for many, but it can be powerful for those who are determined to keep their hearts open and who have a high level of emotional maturity.

My evolution as a counselor has taken me from working with clients with substance-abuse and domestic-violence problems into my current practice as a psychotherapist working with clients and their relationship issues. Most of my clients are interested in learning better communication skills and opening to deeper levels of their spiritual and sexual selves. They are yearning to live more authentic lives, aching to feel more real. A significant part of my work is with individuals and families who are dealing with sexual and spiritual issues in the midst of practicing 21st-century relationship styles.

There are as many different relationship styles as there are religions, and although many of these relationship models have been around for a long time, they aren't the traditional model of "one man, one woman, until death do us part" monogamous commitment that most of us are familiar with. Polyamory is a practice common to many of my clients. Polyamory defines a style of love in which people function within more than one sexually loving relationship simultaneously. Many people who are living in polyamorous relationships are married and deeply committed to their marriage partners as well as to their other love interests. Emotional maturity and honesty are sacrosanct in polyamory. People who choose this lifestyle are bucking the familial and moral norm of the social construct. They are releasing the dream of the white-picket-fence relationship model that most of us grew up with and creating a new dream, one of more open, honest loving in unlimited ways. They are questioning the validity of the traditional model of relationship and family, at least in their own lives. They are on a journey where every step takes them further outside the box of the social norm. They often need lots of support and encouragement to find their way, to find a sense of connection and belonging within a community of their own making. There is no blueprint on how to do these new relationships the "right" way.

Polyamory is not the relationship style of serial monogamy that is so common in our society, in which people move from one sexually monogamous relationship to another, to another, to another. It is also not about cheating. A polyamorous person does not move into a new relationship while leaving the old one behind. Polyamory not only allows for but also encourages sustaining your original relationship(s) first and foremost while slowly opening to loving and committing to the new relationship simultaneously. Polyamory is a nonmonogamous relationship style but it's actually more about sharing love and emotional intimacy with more than one partner than it is about sex. With open hearts and clear communication, sex is an option, not a requirement, of polyamory.

I also have clients who are engaging in the traditional monogamous style of marriage and who are also trying to figure out how to do it the "right" way. It's not as if we've got that one down either. We all have our struggles in trying to find our way, the way that works right for us as unique individuals.

My relationship with my clients is the real thing. We aren't practicing skills for them to take out into their real lives (although that is definitely a bonus). The therapeutic work we do together in my office, behind a closed door, is part of their real lives, part of my real life. Usually, depending on the issues at hand, honesty and truth-telling is one of the most valuable tools I use with my clients. I have this saying, "Telling the truth is easy when it's easy; it's when it's difficult that it counts."

For more information you can contact Adrienne Parker at 530-321-6148