Seeking Vision

By Rowena Pantaleon

My first visionary experience that I remember happened when I was 10 years old. I was delirious from a high fever caused by a virus that was a potential precursor to polio. I was miserable, aware of the fear and anxiety of my elders, but utterly fascinated when the room suddenly began undulating before my eyes. I was transported into another reality where previously solid objects were moving as if alive in their own right.

This was new to me. I learned that the world of vision based on sensory perception in ordinary consciousness was merely one level of a much richer universe than I had ever thought possible. Western culture tells us that if you have visions it is pathological—“yer crazy”—so we are drugged or put away to get those visions to stop or to “control” our behavior.

While it is true that some visions lead to self-destructive or antisocial behavior and need to be controlled, we have gone overboard and thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Other cultures, shamanic ones in particular, think there is something wrong with you if you don’t have visions, for they are believed to provide guidance, healing, and empowerment messages from nature and ancestor spirits, messages that are necessary to help one live a good life. Visions are valued, even sought out. At adolescence, when young people are ready to step into responsibility for their lives, they first go through preparation with an elder and then into the wilderness to endure a period of isolation, fasting, and prayer, seeking a vision of their purpose, their heart path, and the power to bring it to fruition. This is the transcultural, transhistorical questing for deeper vision.

Moses went up to Mount Sinai, Jesus and Muhammad into the desert. The quester may go on only one quest in his or her life or again at a time of crisis or challenge. He or she may go many times if on the medicine path, seeking to explore and develop shamanic wisdom and power. It is not for everyone. It is difficult, demanding, confronting, and it involves deprivation, fortitude, and self-denial. But for those who seek the deeper vision in a respectful way, it brings life itself. It takes you out of the unconscious cognitive-perceptual “mind-prisons” that you don’t even know you are in and rebirths you into your heritage as a natural being in a natural world that is totally alive, all united, and filled with spiritual power. It brings you “back home” into the oneness of the sacred circle of life with the great spirit at the center of it. It brings you back to clear vision of what is true, instead of the untruths of illusion. It shows you what you need to do to return to, or create, a life of harmony and balance. It shows you how to walk the good red road from trust and innocence, which are some of the beginning gifts when you are born, to the place of wisdom where you know the great spirit’s presence in everything. It shows you where you have been, where you can go, and what steps you have to take to get there.

On my sixth vision quest in 1993, I did not ask for a specific guidance. No personal agenda. My prayer started with, “Great Spirit, helping allies, and all my ancestors—I ask you to show me the way of my vision this time. Give me the guidance needed to step into my heart path.” I sang, prayed, meditated, drummed, and rattled, over and over for many hours and I went into deep trance states. Once again, I saw and felt the earth and nature as alive as I was—breathing just like me. For two days, I felt connected like a spider is connected to every inch of its web. The third day, I awoke depressed, full of tears, and with a heaviness in my heart. Just as had I stayed in my bliss state the previous days, I stayed with the heaviness and depressed state. Memories of my father filled me as I surrendered to this feeling. Grief beyond words coursed through me. The lack of contact, lack of love given and received, hate, anger, and my deep resentment for being abandoned and rejected flooded through me as I wailed into the great mother. I rocked back and forth as the wailing continued through the night. At dawn of the fourth day, my tears stopped; exhausted, spent, and empty, I fell into a deep sleep.

Waking up three hours later, I felt incredible peace and quiet. Grief and pain were gone. A deep sense of forgiveness and acceptance toward my father permeated my soul, especially in my heart—my body was completely relaxed and quiet. I felt open to him. By noon of the fourth day, I was singing a power song to the child in me and to my father. I danced in the forest while drumming. I sang my song of forgiveness while shaking the rattle. I became dizzy after so much movement so I lay down on the meadow gazing at the sky and breathing into the dizziness slowly; the sky began to open. The stream and bird sounds were gone. There was silence, a silence I never experienced before. I heard angels singing and the sky opened like a huge gate in slow motion. An old man came out with long flowing white robes, beautiful luminous blue eyes, hands outstretched to me saying, “Breathe me into your heart. I am the father within. Trust the path you came from. Without it, you would not be who you are today.” He showed me how to breathe him in. As I breathed him in, his robes began moving toward my heart in white vapor. When all of him was inside my heart, I felt a “whoomph” sensation and sound. My body jolted gently. Then I heard the stream and the birds chirping again.

Time and space changed during the experience. Words are too puny to describe the state I was in after that day. To symbolize this quest further, I created an arrow stick, using beautiful feathers, leaves, paper notes of prayers, and colorful yarn that represented the letting go of my father. I placed the arrow stick in the sacred fire, watching the mystical dance of the arrow stick as it burned.

As I packed my altar the next day, an old picture from when I was seven years old fell out of my medicine bag, landing on a small patch of wildflowers. I knew immediately that I needed to bury the wounded child represented by the picture. I forgave my father that day and since then feelings of resentment and anger are gone. My most significant and transformative healing has been through vision, trance, or nonordinary states of consciousness.

Bringing the teachings and wisdom of the ancestors and nature into my daily life creates more freedom and magic. Surrendering to the unknown may be scary but the gift it provides is beyond my imagination. “Great Mystery, I am in your Grace.” I am in constant gratitude to nature, my teacher and healer.

For more information you can contact Rowena at 530-343-1883 or visit www.rowenapantaleon.com