July 2011 column
Q: I’m a middle-aged divorced guy who realized I wasn’t in love with my wives. How can I change this pattern? The women I’m dating now aren’t going to be compatible in the long run either.
A: If you didn’t have a model of loving parents, it takes a while to learn how to first, love and accept yourself, and then, another person. Being a parent helps us learn unconditional love so I’m sure you’re evolving. If you see patterns in your choice of women, stay away from the familiar. Don’t settle for something just because it’s comfortable. Use this time alone to iron out your own quirks. Create a new love template with a vision board where you write about and paste pictures of your desired women, keeping in mind that no one is perfect (http://christinekane.com/blog/how-to-make-a-vision-board).
Q: I was raised in a religion that conveyed the belief that the female body is bad, unsafe, embarrassing, useless, and shameful. This has affected my ability to enjoy sex. Any hope for me?
A: Imprint positive images of the female body by posting pictures of beautiful women such as Botticelli’s The Birth of Venus, and by reading the Song of Solomon poems in the Bible’s Old Testament that praise female beauty. Do cognitive restructuring by thinking about psychoanalyst Karen Horney’s theory of womb envy as more powerful than penis envy, men’s feeling of inadequacy about not being able to give birth, to bleed without being wounded, or lactate, enhanced by fear of castration during intercourse when vitality is lost (www.psyking.net/id164.htm). And of course use an energy psychology technique to transform the scrambled energy around unresolved trauma, such as EFT, TAT, or EMDR.
Q: I’m juggling lots of balls, trying to keep them all going. Any ideas how I can feed my family healthy food without much time on preparation?
A: I’m putting together a 10-minute prep time healthy-food cookbook as a fund-raiser for a literacy program I started in northwest Pakistan (http://opendoorsliteracyproject.weebly.com). Email me and I’ll send you some of the recipes I’ve received so far. Readers, please send me your favorite quickies and be acknowledged in the cookbook.
Q: I’m always tense and anxious, hypervigilant. What can I do?
A: I’d get treated for possible PTSD associated with that kind of response. Look at funny videos and books because laughing is a wonderful antidote for tension. Listen to music that balances left and right brain hemispheres, such as Hemisync (www.hemi-sync.com). Simplify your life so you have less to juggle and worry about.
Kathi Kemper, MD, suggests in Mental Health, Naturally these remedies for anxiety: Exercise, sleep, meditate, keep a journal, listen to calm music, avoid TV, and get acupuncture. Eat breakfast and whole foods, and avoid caffeine. Take vitamins B, C, and D, and minerals calcium and magnesium, fish oils for omega-3 fatty acids, GABA, DCS, and theanine found in green tea. Dr. Kemper also recommends tryptophan and 5-http, calming herbs such as chamomile and valerian, ginkgo, gotu kola, rhodiola, St. John’s wort, and lavender.
Q: I’ve lost some of my intuitive connections. How do I regain what I had?
A: Take quiet time to listen to your inner guidance, take a walk by yourself, meditate, pray, or participate in spiritual groups. Read the clairvoyant section of my Essential Energy Tools book for specific techniques.
Q: My mother is a crazy addict who has told me many times she wishes I hadn’t been born, and she texts me evil mean messages. How can I handle her?
A: Cut off any contact, including blocking her from your phone. If you feel intense emotion, such as anger, it creates an energetic connection for her to affect your field. Focus on gratitude that she gave birth to you and taught you what not to do as a parent, and on empathy for whatever happened that made her so twisted. You could think of being Dorothy in her sparkly shoes throwing the water of truth on the wicked witch and melting her into nothingness. Click your heels and visualize scarecrows around you absorbing her negativity.
Q: I’m the second son with a successful older brother and father. As a teen, I’m struggling with figuring out who I am.
A: Explore your unique identity by taking personality tests of all kinds, as listed in my blog (http://gaylekimball.wordpress.com/2011/05/23/personality-tests-to-know-yourself). Take aptitude tests as suggested by your school counselor. Develop your particular interests and talents that are unique to you in comparison with other family members. Take away any mystique of superiority of the older guys in your family by making a point of getting to know them more deeply, including how they felt when they were your age—probably insecure too—and why they made the important life choices they did, such as their college majors.
Q: How do I talk to my kids about sex?
A: Start early, as soon as they ask where babies come from, so there’s no embarrassment. Don’t confuse them by using inaccurate terms such as they come out of the mom’s stomach: They know food is processed there. Keep it simple and don’t give them more information than they ask for. Find a book you like that has illustrations for kids. Explore the Sexuality Information and Education Council website at www.familiesaretalking.org.