By Lezah Young
Occasionally, I can work on a problem, an emotional issue, for extended periods. If I don’t get to the root, which usually resides in my childhood, it can take longer to uncover, accept, and change the behavior or thought pattern. I’ve learned over the years that when I get triggered—feeling rejected, angry, or resentful by something someone does or says, like when my friend said that she couldn’t keep our date, I’ve learned to look deeper for clearer answers.
My first reaction was to understand her motive. I could see why she needed to change plans, and even though I was disappointed I understood her. I also noticed there was an element to my disappointment that felt somewhat overboard, more extreme than the situation warranted. This was my clue, a red flag, so to speak. It was a red flag saying, “Stop, look deeper, this is about me, not my friend or this current situation.” Taking time for emotionally focused, meditative reflection allowed me to intuit by way of my emotional body, and the memories began to surface.
In focusing on what seemed like rejection by my friend, I uncovered the early event that was the true source of rejection. This new experience simply hopped on top of the old experience for a ride into possible obscurity. Knowing the red flags as well as I do contradicted the possible obscurity, morphing instead into a clear direction—a direction from inside where I found the answers, as is usual when I go inside and trust my process.
Drina, a professional photographer, has been in love with Peter for nearly five years. Through the years we’ve had a substantial number of sessions about Peter’s emotional unavailability. We have talked about what it is in Drina that blocks her insight regarding this fact. She sees that she’s running after him. She knows on some level that he’s not truly there for her.
Peter has lots of interesting women in his life all around the world. Drina is aware of this, and even though it negatively affects her self-image, she makes excuses for him—excuses such as that she knows he cares about her because of the warmth she feels from him at times.
He has told her before, though, that he doesn’t want to get into a relationship. Peter says this to her while he also uses seduction, appearing to take an interest in her, expressing warmth while making eye contact that includes a special magnetizing quality that invites her to join him and his hidden spell.
He invites her in but when it gets too close he pushes her away, either overtly or by not communicating for months at a time. Meanwhile, she rationalizes his noninterest to fortify her commitment to him and distract her from her loneliness. Drina slowly begins to realize that she is spinning her wheels. She is ready to see more deeply. She is ready to look at how similar Peter is to her own father, who was also unavailable.
Her father, who recently died, had had some affairs. Drina was aware of them, and she felt disgusted by him, yet she also needed his love, which he could not give.
Peter experienced early on a mother who overempowered him by confiding in him, leaning on him as one would an adult. Peter’s father was absent even when he was there. Peter is afraid of smothering love, such as the type his mother expressed.
While he is afraid of that force, the smothering love force, he longs for love as he simultaneously pushes any resemblance of love away, for fear it may in fact smother him instead. His fear of smothering love creates his need to stay distant, yet his desire for love shows up in a need to feel adored. Peter uses seduction to create an atmosphere that resembles openheartedness and an ability to connect in deep ways. It’s juicy bait for a lot of women who are searching for Mr. Right.
However, the smoke-and-mirrors quality of the atmosphere he constructs is just that, smoke and mirrors. The illusive promises of love and closeness are quickly derailed when it is discovered that he is emotionally unavailable.
Peter has women coming and going, a steady stream, creating a sense of security in him along with an infinite emptiness. Peter doesn’t realize that the emptiness he’s feeling is about his history, his childhood.
Drina has made the discovery; she has seen the smoke and all the mirrors. She has identified his need for distance as being about him instead of about her. She tends to internalize his aloofness as being about her age or her lack of traditional beauty, or numerous other shame-based flaws she can find about herself.
After spending several months photographing and traveling with native peoples, she was transformed. I received her call asking for another session. I felt there had been a shift in her energy field, a profound shift. Drina was talking about her father now. As she conveyed her thoughts to me, images of her father light up in her energy body.
She talks about her addiction, Peter, or more precisely an addiction to him as he leaves her, just like her father did emotionally many times for many years. Drina is ready to choose someone more whole. Drina is ready to separate from those early messages of rejection stored in her subconscious.
As she talks about who she wants to be in her life now, I see ancient beliefs dissipate, ascending into the atmosphere where they neutralize. I witness her shedding dead, outworn skin, revealing a deep and glowing beauty. I feel her happiness arising from her core, emanating throughout her extremities. I notice luminous rays of light around her entire body.
Clearly she is on the right path for her soul’s expression. When these kinds of illuminations happen to my clients, generally people who have focused much time and energy on their emotional growth, I too receive a healing. The healing force of the light that surrounds them also showers me with its love. This is but one of the many aspects of my work that elicits my gratitude.
Contact Lezah Young at email@example.com.
Call me for an Inner Growth session at 530-413-9416. http://www.inner-growth.net